space (noun)

Space (n): the freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one.

When I looked up the various definitions for the word space, I was pleasantly surprised to find the definition above. I wasn’t expecting to find such a perfect description for my thoughts in a dictionary.

I’ve been struggling lately (and by lately I mean for months on end) to find physical space and headspace where I am so totally at ease that I can relax and create. It’s like I have a mental wall to protect myself from outside forces, which sadly also smothers my imagination. Seemingly, my mental defenses are on high alert and they will not let me vacate the safety bunker until the “all clear” signal has sounded.

For example, today I did everything I could to keep busy, so I could prevent my own self from sitting down and writing this post. I listened to my audio book, drank my coffee (slowly), paid bills, and checked on the laundry at least three times (knowing full well the clothes weren’t dry yet).

Even as I sit at my desk typing these words, I am fidgeting and my thoughts are telling me that this is terrible and I should just stop now before I end up posting this and then crying from embarrassment.

Creating is hard. Developing and growing a personal, unique voice is not safe. Critique and ridicule are terrifying but inevitable if the final product is placed where other humans can consume it.

As you’re reading these words, I am obsessively thinking about them and about your interpretation of them, hoping your reaction is positive.

You see, I am made to write, and my deepest wish is to write in a way that reaches others on a personal, positive level. I cannot do that if my readers don’t like what I write, so I struggle with the fear that I won’t be good enough. My mind repeats my fears internally in a self-destructive cycle.

That is why I am struggling with headspace. I want space to think and develop my writing voice. I cannot do this without turning off the depressive and critical thoughts.

Since my thoughts follow me wherever I go, then by default no space feels safe either. My internal criticisms seem to leak out and expand into whatever space I am filling at the time.

I am tired of it. I am tired of being scared of my biggest dreams and greatest calling. I am tired of being afraid of my own creative mind. I am tired of being at war with my own self – wanting so desperately to write, but being so terribly afraid of what I will create and how it will be received.

So, today I’m done. I am done letting my fear rule my life. Today is the day I start letting go. It will take time, but I am determined to make it happen. It may take months or years, but I vow now to be in this for the long haul.

I vow to fight my own demons.

I vow to share my creations – to let them, instead of the fear, inhabit the space in and around me.

In the future, it is my vow to write more and worry less.

And you, dear reader, are my witness to this vow.

And maybe, hopefully, you can make a vow of your own. I know I’m not the only one plagued by my own fears. Maybe it’s time you thought about what you’re afraid of doing. I’m not encouraging any rash decisions, but I am encouraging you to get to know your own mind and figure out how it thinks.

When the time comes, I encourage you to start fighting your own fears.

Here’s to you, friend. Do what you love.